So my best friend got married last week and it was such an amazing day. I was one of her maids of honours and I was thrilled when she asked me, then I fell pregnant and I didn’t know how this would affect my job and duties!
They went away for the weekend abroad and my new-born was only 5-6 weeks old so there was no way I could go. I did all the planning and booking this end and then the other maid of honour did the organising on the other end! It worked out well but it would have been nice to have been able to celebrate with such a close friend.Saying this there is this new-found emotion that I feel about my baby and missing out on social events – it doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. My love for my baby is so much and I cannot get enough of being her mummy that I haven’t minded turning down social events. I don’t mean this in a bad way as if I don’t want to see my friends, that’s not the case, I do want to see my friends. For now this little human is the most important thing in our lives and no social event will ever be more important (sorry guys). Now this may be a first time mum thing and I’m sure there are moms of 2/3/4 children out there thinking to themselves that I’m just being an overbearing and an overprotective first time mum and that may be the case – but at the moment I don’t mind people thinking that because I want to enjoy being a first time mum and all the love and wanting to be with my baby that comes with it!
I arrived at my Friends house in the morning to get ready with her and this was no problem at all because the baby slept most of the time and when she was awake she fed and was pretty calm and chilled. She went back to sleep before we left for the ceremony and stayed asleep for the whole thing! I met my hubby to be at the venue and handed over the baby so that I could walk down the aisle and so far so good – this wasn’t that bad and could have been much worse.
I fed the baby on the way to the reception venue and then once we arrived she was awake for a bit before sleeping again. Things where still going well throughout the food as she either slept or fed. Things started to be a bit tricky as the evening party started. She was quite unsettled with the noise because it was different to the quiet that I had been having her sleep in at home when it was bed time. I was super torn between being a good friend and staying or being a good mum and taking her home. Luckily hubby to be was able to try to get her to sleep in between feeds so I could go and enjoy my friend’s wedding, but there was definitely one moment that made my mind up…..
I had put her to sleep in the buggy and so went to the dance floor to enjoy myself with hubby and friends…..
When I went over to check on her she was screaming crying and it was that moment…..
In that moment the guilt that came over me was indescribable. How could I be such a bad mum to leave her to have fun and not know she was crying and she needed me! Once again some people might be reading this thinking I’m being too over protective and that’s okay because everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but let’s just be honest for a moment. This little human who is only 7-8 weeks old and has no way to look after herself needed me and I left her crying without knowing she needed me because I was dancing.
This was the first real-time as a mum I had felt I wasn’t doing a good job and that I hadn’t met my child’s needs. After speaking to a friend about the whole situation they reassured me that motherhood will be full of these moments – moments of guilt as you are constantly deciding what needs to come first.
I also have to say a massive thank you to my friend who’s wedding it always because she fully understood how I had to be the whole day. She is my best friend and I should have been able to do more and be there more on her big day, but luckily she is also a parent who fully understands how I feel.
As time goes on or I have a second, third and fourth (hopefully) child I’m interested to see if how I feel about these moments change or whether the guilt will still be as prominent. For now I’m enjoying being a mum and wanting to put her needs before my own and anyone else’s because she really is the most important at the moment.
Do my other mummies remember these moments? How did they cope with the guilty feelings? Do they get better?